My Personal Advice and Rules of Use for Facebook

  1. Posting/sharing pictures advocating for causes that 99% of human beings agree with is not brave, nor courageous. Posting invitations to duel with pistols at dawn is. Bafflingly stupid, but definitely brave.
  1. Stop posting details of idiotic crimes you’ve committed. Clearly you are a douche and, being a douche, there are almost certainly people who really dislike you and are therefore more than happy to rat your dumbass out. And, being the idiot you so assuredly are, you’re probably too stupid to make sure people in that category are not on your friends list.
  1. If you insist on full body bathroom shots, please make sure the toilet has been flushed.
  1. If you insist on “sexy” shots, please leave your children out of the photo. You might also want to make sure you aren’t standing in the midst of something that should be featured on Hoarders. And that your toilet has been flushed.
  1. If you see a post that seems crazy, unbelievable or offensive, you might want to verify the source before going apeshit in response. Especially if the post was made by The Onion.
  1. You see how those words are red and underlined? That means you spelled them wrong, and you should probably correct that.
  1. It is permissible to post about more than one subject. You might want to give it a whirl, lest the rest of us believe you have only one personality trait to your name.
  1. When responding to a post that already had comments before you came along, you might want to read those prior responses to make sure that someone hasn’t already made the same comment. The headaches I’ve achieved from alternately facepalming and head-desking while reading though the same comment made by 50 different people that an obviously photoshopped picture is obviously photoshopped –  Especially when the original poster has stated in no uncertain terms that photoshopping did occur – are legendary.
  1. You are not the Facebook Enforcer. If someone has posted something you dislike, either report it if it is genuinely against Facebook rules, or scroll on by. Nobody needs you to tell them not to curse on their own wall, or that you would prefer that they only post things that do not offend you. No one is responsible for you not being able to ignore shit that wasn’t directed at you. Your opinion is not that important in the grand scheme of things that you need to contact the target of your criticism directly. (I realize this might seem a bit hypocritical on a list where I tell you what not to do based on my own opinion. In my defence, I would never hunt down individuals on Facebook and pm them shit like this, and I would never comment on a post bitching about it. You can take my advice or leave it. I don’t think I’m so awesome that I insist you acknowledge me and follow my example.)

  2. Do not have your romantic battles on a Facebook wall, yours, theirs or anyone else’s . No one else gives a shit. And if they do, trust me when I tell you that it would be better for all involved if they didn’t.
  3. If you are trying to convince your significant other that you are not cheating on them, it’s probably not a good idea to use your own personal Facebook to then offer sexy times to someone other than that person. Especially if your significant other is one of your Facebook friends.
  4. Never make guilt trip posts. No one likes that kind of vacation and you’re doing yourself more harm than good.
  5.  Duckface = BAD
  6. Facebook is probably not the best place to bitch about your boss. Especially if said boss is a Facebook friend of yours.
  7. Please, for the love of Ra, flush your toilet. And clean your litter box if you plan on it being in the frame too. In fact, maybe just try not to take photos that have waste containment facilities in the shot? If not, I may be forced to copy the photo and put it on Youtube as background for the song “Clean the catbox” by Bob Rivers
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