Canada Goose: Death From the Sky (Or at least really huge bird shit from the sky, which is also rather unpleasant)

“Because fuck you, that’s why.”
Which, I’ll have you know is the slogan of the majestic Canada Goose.

I always want to say “Canadian Goose” because damn it, that makes more sense within the constructs of the English language as I have been taught them. Whenever I have to talk about the plural form of the name, I can’t ever remember if it’s “Canada Geese” or “Canadian Geese” so I try to avoid using it altogether.

And does anyone else find it ironic that Canadians are stereotyped as timid, passive and overly polite, yet one of the most well known Canadian creatures, is a loud, obnoxious, flying bully? I figure this is why despite “Canada” being right there in the name, not ONE province nor the nation itself hails it as one of its symbols. Rarely is it even seen on our coinage, and there’s damned near everything on our coins these days! Seriously, there are quarters with glow in the dark flying dinosaurs on them.

The Canada Goose spends its days honking at people for no reason and dropping large piles of green crap around. Birds should not leave LOGS of crap. Bird shit should be splatters, as nature intended. Sometimes they fly, but mostly they hang out at the edge of ponds and other bodies of water frequented by their favoured prey, people with Cheezits. If you happen to see a flock in flight, I can guarantee two things. One; they’re honking, loudly and off key, and two; a pond somewhere up ahead of them is destined to have its shores covered with many green piles of the Incredible Hulk of bird shit.

This august fowl fears nothing. No, it will happily, psychotically hunt down whatever the hell happened to look at it wrong. He fears not business man, nor dog, boat and fishing dude. He fears not you.


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