I Have Been Aurally Befouled

I managed to completely avoid this song until recently when someone posted a spoof video version of it with James Franco and Seth Rogen on a forum I frequent and I could not resist. Then I had to see the original to see if it was indeed that cheesy… I speak of course, of Bound 2 by Kanye West.

I’m not sure what’s worse. The video, or the lyrics.

All them other niggas lame, and you know it now
When a real nigga hold you down, you supposed to drown

Umm… is this supposed to sound enticing? Ok, I guess… if you’re into that. Or into Kim Kardashian drowning, which I imagine is a large chunk of the population.

I know I got a bad reputation
Walking ’round, always-mad reputation
Leave-a-pretty-girl-sad reputation
Start a Fight Club, Brad reputation

And yet you forgot the most beloved one!

“Is-a-giant-douchebag reputation”

I turnt the nightclub out of the basement

Good for you? Why was it in the basement? Was it hiding out with the midget from that almost equally atrocious R Kelly video/”rap opera”?

I’ll turn the plane ’round, your ass keep complaining
How you gon’ be mad on vacation?
Dutty wining ’round all these Jamaicans

And everyone knows how very much Jamaicans despise dutty wining from a woman who is both angry and has a complaining ass. I assume Kanye is the complaining ass.

Uh, this that prom shit
This that what-we-do-don’t-tell-your-mom shit
This that red-cup-all-on-the-lawn shit
Got a fresh cut, straight out the salon, bitch

Prom shit? WTF… I thought we were at a nightclub that you stole from a basement?! Aren’t you both a few years past 30? Let alone prom age… I do NOT want to know what involves Kanye West, and a lawn covered in solo cups that cannot be told to mothers, I’m just thankful it doesn’t also include the aforementioned R. Kelly.

Oh you had your hair cut at a salon? Wow. That’s really really truly unimpressive.

Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures

Your words couldn’t paint a thousand pictures if someone finally bought you a thesaurus and taught you how to use it.

I wanna fuck you hard on the sink

What? Why? That sounds way sexier than it works out in the attempt, let me assure you. Have you sat on a sink? They’re not comfortable. Tell, you what, you go on in there and just vigorously slap your nono on the edge for a bit and tell me how that goes. You don’t want to whack tender places against cold hard steel/stone or whatever? Imagine that!

After that, give you something to drink

So… couldn’t come up with a better rhyme for “sink” I see.

Step back, can’t get spunk on the mink

Wait, what? Mink? Wtf are you having sex on a sink with someone wearing mink. (Or… some where that has actual minks in the bathroom, which is even more questionable.)

You see that, I just made a better damned lyric on accident! Also leave the poor mink alone!

I mean damn, what would Jeromey Romey Romey Rome think?

That you need more relevant references in your songs?

Hey, you remember where we first met?
Okay, I don’t remember where we first met

Really? I thought your sink/drink rhyme was sad… this is just… you used the same damn last 4 words! That’s not only sad but offensive to poets and lyricists everywhere.

But hey, admitting is the first step
And hey, you know ain’t nobody perfect

Well, sure, nobody’s perfect, but you’ve certainly given the rest of us a giant head start with this great, steaming hot, putrid pile of feces. It sucks to hear, it sucks to see, and it even sucks to read! It’s the Triple Crown Champion of Suck!

And I know, with the hoes I got the worst rep

You could always try not calling them hoes… or bitches.

But hey, their backstroke I’m tryna perfect

Could someone translate this for me? He’s trying to perfect their backstroke? Is he a swim coach for hoes now?

And hey, ayo, we made it, Thanksgiving

Well la di da! There are some insects that don’t live that long! This must be a romance for the ages!

So hey, maybe we can make it to Christmas
She asked me what I wished for on the wishlist
Have you ever asked your bitch for other bitches?

Pro-tip: If you ask your bitch for other bitches. chances are that no, you will not make it to Christmas. No guarantee mind you…

Maybe we could still make it to the church steps
But first, you gon’ remember how to forget
After all these long-ass verses

Well, yes, I’d imagine one would have to forget the lyrics to this song in order to marry the singer of them. I’d like to forget them just to get this horrible mind-taste they left, out of my head.

Good god it’s just all so awful.

You know how some songs have decent lyrics, but you can totally tell that a few are just fillers that don’t really make sense, or work as well lyrically? It’s as though this song is made up entirely of that.

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