So You Want to be a Political Forum Troll.

Perhaps you’re bored. Perhaps you wish to lower your own IQ and that of everyone around you, but you’ve discovered lobotomies are sort of frowned upon these days, let alone mass-lobotomies, much to the dismay of Walter Freeman were he alive, I’m sure.

Whatever the reason, I’m here to help.

Now, I’m not actually a therapist, or a member of any other “helpful” occupation, but I DO play one on the internet when the fancy hits me.

First and foremost; don’t be intimidated. I know; you’ve seen all these people blathering back and forth, spouting facts and quotes and projectile-vomiting up a veritable pea soup of illogic in the faces of their opponents. You might be thinking, “I haven’t got the time nor the wherewithal to look all this shit up!”

My friend, you needn’t worry!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Factual accuracy is absolutely unnecessary. Frowned upon in fact. The name of the game here is BUZZWORDS!

Yessiree, just fill your barely fathomable rant with lots and lots of the little bastards. You don’t even need to know what the hell the words actually mean! Just pick a topic, person, or thing and randomly apply! Here’s a short list of popular buzzwords to get you started on your road to really pissing people off!

“Hitler”
“Fiberal”
“Nazi”
“Rethuglican”
“Fascist”
“Socialist”
“Communist” (Or any of the many variations.)
“Far Right”
“Leftist”
“Agenda”

Also, try taking the name of any major religion, and changing it in the most juvenile manner you can come up with!

Another approach to consider is the “Blame Canada” angle. Find a topic being discussed, take any and all negative outcomes that could possibly be derived from the discussion and blame it on a single individual or entity. Obama and Bush are probably your best bets, but you could always go for more originality and blame Celine Dion or Carrot Top (I’m partial to blaming everything on a random person I find on Facebook.) This method works best when applied with consistency and repetition in multiple settings.

Comparing the content of the post or article to (or using it to jump to a very vaguely connected rant about,) the latest “Case of the Day” or week… or month… or decade, is also an approved method.

If all else fails you can always try jazz hands, but I don’t think the other posters will see that.

*jazz hands & tap dances stage left to exit*

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