Random Ranting

You’re going to be seeing a lot of shit I wrote years ago in the coming days. Blame Christmas melancholia, or should that be melancholy? Am I needlessly using a longer word? 

Hi! I like to check reviews and ratings on products prior to purchasing them, this has led me to a discovery. There are a few people who need some advice in regards to how to write helpful reviews. Namely, don’t rate something you’ve never even fucking tried. I don’t care if you think the name was cool, and I could give two rats’ mangy asses whether you think it will be good, based on what I can only assume is your ability to see into the future. If that’s the case, do me a favour; try to see into the future to when you stop sucking and fuck off until then, kay? Thanks!

Do you know why I look at ratings & reviews? I am researching, looking for useful information to use in my decision on one product or another. Do you know what doesn’t fucking help? At all?? The fact that you’ve never seen nor heard of whatever it is I am investigating, the fact that you once saw one whilst walking by in a store, the fact that you hate anything even remotely related to it, and so on and so forth.

Muffintop is NOT attractive, so why do I see it EVERYWHERE?? Have these people no mirrors? No common sense? Friends don’t let friends go out in public with muffintop. It’s especially disturbing to me when the offender is actually quite thin, and there is absolutely no need for it. I’m sure you like telling everyone you wear a size 4 when you’re really an 8, but believe me when I tell you that you are fooling no one, and for the love of all things holy, there is nothing wrong with being an 8! Can’t you hear the screams of your pants? They’re in PAIN man!!

I see mullets everywhere too, and I am equally baffled as to the cause of their prevalence. You can’t blame MacGuyver anymore, and it was just barely an excuse when that show was still popular. I know, it’s supposed to be “Party in the back, business in the front” but it’s more like “Bad taste in the back, idiot in the front”

Eh… Salesmen… Yes, I’m a girl… but I probably know more about what I’m looking to buy than you do, so do me a favour, just tattoo “I’m a misogynistic twat who will automatically assume the male is the one making the purchasing decisions, and so will ignore the female” on your forehead so we can both avoid the waste of time because you will NOT get that sale, and I’ll have to sit through watching you make an idiot of yourself; and I get pissed off enough at stupid shit without your help. I must admit though, it is sort of funny. In fact, sometimes I rather enjoy leading that type of salesman into believing we will make a HUGE purchase, with absolutely no intention of doing so.

Earwigs piss me off; nasty lil fuckers. I’m not sure why, but I have a deep-seated loathing of the ugly bastards. I think it had its root in someone showing me how both ends live if you cut them in half. Gross… Just think, given time, patience and good aim you could create an army of earwig asses; this horrifies me.

Addendum: I just discovered an atrocity known as the St Helena Earwig. It might be extinct. I really truly hope so, considering the bastards could grow to over 3 inches long.

Zombie Earwig Ass Army


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