AMA – Tootsie Pops, Calgon, Mmm Bop Take 2

I’ve had a burning question for quite sometime now (and no I don’t have an infection). Just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Royally yours,


Ahoy-hoy PG,

The answer to your question varies depending upon a delicate balance of specific variables. To properly define the number of licks required to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop you must use the following simple formula using information specific to the person attempting to reach aforementioned internal gooey goodness:

[(Tongue Width x Tongue Length) x (Tongue Rasp Factor + Lick Pressure) ] x Tootsie Pop Shell Volume = # Of Licks

Please note, the Tootsie Pop Lick #™ formula is All Rights Reserved ©Now & Alltime



Is Calgon still being sold today? If so, do you suppose it does what the commercial stated, that it takes you away? If it does, do you know how I can get one? Okay I know it’s about 3 question in one but I am needy.





I came by earlier and read this, and was battered away by an internal maelstrom of my subconscious immediately singing Hanson VS my conscious mind trying desperately to make it do absolutely anything else.


The first thought that went through my head though was “Calgon take me away!” Which would have been far more appropriate as a second thought. I wish I had some so I could verify whether it does, because at this point I’m pretty desperate. I do seem to recall having had some of it in the very distant past. I don’t remember it taking me anywhere.

Perhaps the makers of that particular series of ads were actually huffing from cans of compressed air and became confused?

So who wants to help me make a commercial called, “Dust Off, Take Me Away!”?

Oh and do you know what my treacherous bitch of a sub-conscious does when I try to make it stop singing to me? It thinks to me, “Well, at least it isn’t this song!” and proceeds to serenade me with more songs I really really hate, which may or may not actually be worse than the original earworm. Songs like the following:

That fucking Pina Colada song.
“Hands Up”
“I Believe in Miracles” (Which my mind turns into, “I believe in marigolds!”)

Sometimes I wonder if a lobotomy would be such a bad idea.


Now that I have a new name, I keep getting asked constantly “who are you?”. I never know exactly how to answer the question without asking myself the same question.

How do I answer without going into a rant? I have another question. Now that I have changed my name, do you still hear that damn Hanson song, MMMMMBOP?


Confused, and don’t know who I am anymore.


Hmm, I must ponder this.

Ok technically, I must take awhile to recuperate from that goddamned Hanson song. I never even listened to them so how the hell is my mind able to duplicate the chorus so perfectly?

That’s the only part I know so it just loops in my brain. I am not sure whether this is a blessing or a curse.


You should tell people who ask who you, are one of the following, preferably using a different one randomly:

1. “My name *pause for dramatic effect* is Consuela Montoya, you keeled my father. Prepare to die!”

Then start rambling incoherently until they finally ask why you haven’t killed them yet. Follow up with.

“I’ve seen people claiming that one can be talked to death, so I’m trying that out. Why are you not dead yet you insolent swine!?”

2. “I’m Batman…”

3. “Bob Dole. Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just wants to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. BOB DOLE!”

4. “I am the very model of a modern major general.”

5. “Did you ever know that I’m your hero? I’m the wind beneath your wings motherfucker.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s