AMA – Human Magnet, Internet Exploder, Dog Vs Porcupine

Why am I a magnet for panhandlers, dogs, cats, random teenagers and stray toddlers? I can be in a crowd and I swear to God they home in on me and won’t go away.


CB my love,

I slathered you in my own secret mixture when you weren’t paying attention. I’d tell you what was in it, but that would make it unsecret and we can’t have that. Alas I must have gotten some on myself as well, as with the exception of random teenagers, the lil buggers all home in on me as well. Especially toddlers… furthering my conviction that kids have no taste.

If you’re wondering how you hadn’t noticed me, it’s cause I’m sneaky… like a ninja.

Let this be a lesson to you.

What lesson that is, I couldn’t tell you.


How can I make my boss understand that it’s Internet Explorer and not Internet Exploder with out getting fired?



Ma chere MmmBum (Because thats what I hear when I read MBM),

Colour me perplexed, but why on earth would you want to? Judging by my computer’s performance Internet Exploder is far more apt.

Although, come to think of it, Internet Ignorer would probably be better still. Or perhaps Internet Embogger.

I have enjoyed your column for a long time now. 

My dog has suffered from plugged anal glands for a long time. You might remember me as the guy always talking about squeezing anal glands in the chatbox. Anyways, For the last year, she has been basically cured by the proper diet. 
She is now losing weight and people are calling her kate moss-weiller. I am concerned and so is the vet who is happily accepting healthy checks with no resolution.

I used to let her run free. Thinking that was the issue, she was getting bad water or something, I have kept her in and she hates it. I think she is depressed. Three days ago I let her run and she found a giant porcupine and got another beard which resulted in anesthesia to remove the quills from her tounge roof of mouth and gums. 3rd time. 
What should I do?


Frau Malq,

Did you know that every time I see a dog anus now, I think of you? I see them far more often than I’d like.

I’m glad to hear that the anal glands are not so much of an issue anymore, but I can’t help but think that a proper diet that makes you resemble kate moss is probably not entirely proper. You may also want to look into a vet that actually helps by doing more than lowering your disposable income.

And now she’s been porc’d for the third time? Umm… that’s a bright dog you’ve got there. I suggest buying a giant hamster ball for her and sending her outside in it.


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