A Terrible Mistake

I recently made a terrible… terrible mistake. In case anyone reading is unaware, I have a 10 month old German Shepherd/Australian Shepherd mix puppy (I call them Gerstralians, spellcheck really doesn’t like it.). My roommate/co-homeowner (henceforth = Jen) has his brother. As with all puppies, they like to chew… everything. For this reason as well as to distract them when they get too hyper or it’s bedtime, we are constantly searching for something that will both keep their attention, and last a long time.

We’ve run through a lot of disappointment in our search:

Nylabone – decimated in 5 minutes

Kong – destroyed in a whopping 10 minutes

Pigs Ears – about 15 minutes… but I think a lot of that is them searching for crumbs. However it has still earned a spot in the top 3 doggie distractions

Rawhide – they just don’t give a shit.

I’m sure I’m forgetting more than I’ve listed but oh well, you get the idea. On with the show.

So, I went to a local petstore, to get a gate to keep the brat dogs from molesting people @ our front door. While there, we stopped in the treat section because both my husband and I love buying tasty treats for the little buggers. I noticed in this bunch of treats something we hadn’t tried yet… cow hooves… and suggested we buy them.

“We can fill it with kong stuffing or peanut butter & freeze it!! They’ll love it!”

Oh how I rue those words. If only I had known… if only there had been some sort of warning. Alas there was not, and I am now the possessor of knowledge I could have lived quite happily without. I have to admit though… they did last a long time. The unfortunate part is, I would far rather they had just disintegrated on contact. Oh I should probably mention at this point that in my infinite wisdom I also chose to buy the bulk bag. Have I ever told anyone how smart I am? I may have lied.

I know, you’re thinking either “Who gives a shit?” or “Get to the point!” So here it is:

After being chewed for a while they begin to emit a slight odour. By that, I mean they smell like concentrated shit, soaked in piss; which is not far off from what they actually are, so I really should have known. I’m serious, these things should be considered biological warfare, the stench is overwhelming. I didn’t realize what it was at first either, and  kept looking for the body of a small dead rodent coated in excrement. Eventually I found the culprit… mainly because Jen’s dog really REALLY likes to give you stuff… and he gave me that damned hoof. I just about fell over… luckily I was on my reclining couch.

Now I’m only guessing, but I think the average pet owner shopping for dog treats doesn’t really consider the previous incarnation of these hooves. Namely that prior to being on a shelf they were attached to a giant animal that spends its days & nights walking on shit & piss. Therefore, I believe they should have a warning on the label.

Perhaps:

“Smells just like a country morning, concentrated! (the morning after the fertilizer has been used)”

or:

“Got poop?”

“Also good for getting rid of unwanted house guests”

“Please don’t squeeze the..” oh wait… wrong product.

“Now with free nose plugs! You’re gonna need’em!”

(It’s now about 3-4 years since I wrote this post. I still have most of my bulk bag of hooves left, anyone want to give me their mailing address? Maybe the mailing address of someone you really don’t like?)

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