AMA – Sudbury, Assholes, Catpoop-eating Dogs.

i am planning a Canadian summer roadtrip, and i want to have an unforgettable time in an exciting cosmopolitan city. so my question is, can you tell me the best way to get to Sudbury? and when i’m there, what cultural attractions and local flavour should i be sure to experience? 

now i’m planning on spending at least a week or so in northern ontario, and i have a couple more questions. what is the best way to get to the intersection of the middle of nowhere and butt fuckin egypt? what are the best night clubs and indian restaurants in the vicinity of algonquin park? and will i need snowshoes in summer? thanks in advance, all help will be greatly appreciated!

-Manfred

Dearest Manfred,
Follow the only road! You see… wait… pretend I’m singing this next part:

To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
There’s only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road
Hip-hip, hooray, let’s hear it for our road!

Just remember to look out for Scott… he’s a dick.

Now, when you reach the thriving metropolis that is Sudbury, be sure to check out the giant fucking smoke stack, because apparently it’s the biggest in North America. It’s also the only “cultural” attraction I know of in Sudbury; in fact it’s the only thing I know about Sudbury. I may have been there once, I’m not sure because either I was too young, or it was too boring to remember.

I can’t help you with getting to the intersection of the middle of nowhere and butt fuckin egypt, as I believe Butt Fucking Egypt is actually located in Wisconsin. Now, if you’d like to get to the borderline between Timbucktoo and Bumblefuck I may be able to assist. As for the club scene & restaurants of Algonquin park, the last time I was there I think I was 7, the only thing I recall was seeing half a frog, and on a canoe trip, a really… really dead turtle. (We knew this from the awesome stench that assaulted us when someone decided to roll it over with a paddle to check if it was alive.) Now… snowshoes… hmm… yeah… you will totally need those… I suggest bringing spares, big ones, and maybe a toboggan or 2.

Why are people such assholes? This question comes from a scene I witnessed at a store recently where a mother wanted to buy her teenage son an iPod touch for his birthday.

She had reward coupons or some such thing. The web site stated very clearly that the item could not be bought in stores, but was available for online purchase only. Yet she showed up with coupons in hand demanding that the clerk shit her one so that her gawky teen could have it in time for his birthday.

When they told her they had none in stock and did not stock them, she demanded that they look in the back to see if they had one. Whaaaaaaat? That didn’t work, so she demanded they order one for her and she would pick it up at a later date. No can do they told her, but very kindly told her she could order online and ask for express delivery.

Oh no she protested. She could not be bothered to do such a thing herself and as she threw her coupons at the clerk demanded that he get online that minute and do all the ordering for her.

Sigh. Why? Why are people so nasty over chicken shit stuff like this? WTF? The kid is not going to die if he doesn’t get his iPod touch. Do tell, why are people such assholes?

Your admirer,
Wicked Doll

Dear Wicked,

I have yet to truly figure this one out. It’s a widespread problem, and I think such people should be given interventions as I’m not sure they’ve accepted the fact that they are giant asshole fuckwads. I’ve worked in customer relations positions and I can tell you that although I’ve actually liked most people I’ve spoken to, there are always a fairly high percentage of wondercunts to deal with as well.

Ok I’ll have to come back to this as my cat just took the most rancidest of dumps and I must run and hide from it.

It seems to be safe again…

Of course, now I’ve forgotten what the flying hell I was going to say, so instead I’ll make up a christmas song for you. (well I’ll rewrite “Silver Bells”)

Nasty toilets, public toilets,
Not flushed all of the time.
In the air,
There’s an odour,
of Shitrus.
Children gasping,
People crapping,
Leaving pile after pile,
And in every restroom you’ll fear,

What the hell, Fuck it smells,
It’s Christmas time, in the shitter,

Ok, I’ve gotten bored with coming up with more lyrics…

—–

Why does my dog insist on eating cat shit and other things which are not food?

-Gidget

Dear Gidget,

You see, much like being nefarious is one of the tenets of catdom, eating nasty shit is one of the requirements to being a dog, preferably before licking a human (on the face if at all possible.)

Just for the hell of it, I’ll let you in on some basic dogdom laws:

  • Thou must snuffle and snort as loudly as possible when eating out thine own ass or genitalia.
  • If thine finds something that smells awesomely nasty, though must eat it; failing that, though must roll in it and then spread thy nasty goodness over as much of thy master’s home as possible.
  • Baseball caps are one of God’s granted chew toys.
  • If it shouldst hit the ground, it instantly becomes thine.
  • Nothing says “Hi! How are ya?” better than a nice deep crotch sniff.

Personally, I plan on cashing in on this… Instead of buying cat litter, I`m simply going to let the cat poops dry out, after which I shall sell them online in big bags, calling them “Cat Crap Crunchies for Canines”

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