AMA – Teflon, Fishing, and Cats in a Neon

Here are some old Ask Me Anythings I did in land far away & long ago, just for the hell of it.

I want to know why we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway… and if nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get teflon to stick to the pan?? I know that’s 2 questions, I hope it doesn’t disqualify me from getting answers.


Dear Kitty,

When I was but a youngin, my father would sit me down, and ask me questions such as these. I looked at him funny too. (I realize that you cannot see how I look, but believe in your heart that fairies exist and that I am looking at you… funny.) A wise man once told me “Nothing sticks to teflon, but teflon does not stick to nothing.” Wait, maybe that was Gremlins…

There is a fabled motorway here in the misty lands of Canadia, called the “Don Valley Parkway.” I believe it may have helped create the whole driveway vs parkway paradox. You see, despite being a major roadway with a fairly high speed limit… cars are far more likely to be parked on it than to be moving; you most often see great long serpents of thousands of cars just… sitting there, as far as the eye can see. If there are children in the car, there are also most likely adults trying to distract them by telling them to look at the CN Tower.

Why do fish eat worms? Worms dont live in the water because they drown. So please tell me why fish eat them since fish and worms donot live in the same place.


Dear Moon,

Fish eat worms because a long time ago some sadistic bastard discovered that worms are one of the creatures most easily sodomized by a small metal hook, thus disguising the danger to some poor fish who just thought his buddies had ordered takeout.

How many cats can you put in a Neon and still drive in a single lane of traffic?


Dear Al,

That depends a lot on your driving ability, the size, flexibility & general orneriness of the cats in question, and the size of the lane.

After the cat-coat fiasco I can tell you, most cats are squirmy little rat-bastards. Now, I believe the record is 68, but perhaps with enough catnip and tasers you could get upwards of 75. I suggest bringing a diminutive “cat-wrangler” to assist, this may increase the amount of cats you can drive with, if they’re really good at tossing the cats off of you. Always look for an experienced cat-wrangler, ask for references, check for cat related arm scratches and make sure they are inoculated against rabies.


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